Memory, To Never Forget
by Est Nihilum
Summary: ONESHOT! Fem!Ichigo Slight AU! With the war over, Kurosaki Ichigo was sent hurtling to the past. To change the history or not? "Fine. I have nothing else left Kisuke, I know you understand that by now and… This is at least a decade in the past. Warning: Technically plotless


**Notes: This oneshot is technically plotless and is partially insipred by all time-travel fics I have read. I wrote this to dump my idea somewhere. Constructive criticism would be appreciated.**

**Warning: Sap, Failed romance-y writing style, some angst, Female Ichigo, OOC-ness**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, it belongs to its respective owner/s.**

* * *

'If_ I tore my heart out open and held it beating in my palms…'_

The war is over.

But she could care less. What use is the blood staining her blade?

_'__Would I be able to meet you?'_

Time cannot be erased and so are memories. It is absolute and cannot be turned, even quantum physics and those laws about time and space dare not defy this. Or so she thinks.

She lamented. For a short while, she allowed herself to weep, the same delicate yet calloused hands clutching the soulless katana that is Sakanade, even as her eyes continue to bleed rain.

Rain was never warm…so why is it so _searing _and _sorrowful_?

Kurosaki Ichigo is alone in the desolate, barren world of Soul Society.

The world is so cruel.

It always takes away what she cherished the most.

Eyes shaded crimson and hazel sunk further into abyss, pausing for a moment to let out a painful, choking sob as she gazed at the (_dead dead dead_) eyes of Sakanade's wielder.

Shinji's eyes were wide and opaque and yet his face is painted the color of satisfactory sacrifice. His face is pulled into a smile, not the ones she had come to stare at every day.

It was a bloodied smile, but to anyone who perused this horrid war, it is a prideful death.

But for her it was foolishness.

Utter obstinacy.

She strangled out a chortle, heterochromatic eyes still trickling with unmitigated tears.

The idiot went ahead and protected her from Ywach's sword.

A blow meant for **_her._**

"Why am I alone again…? I don't want this pain Shinji…" Ichigo is not quite sure if this was still her voice. It reverberated as a sound that is detached and far away from her person. Morose, melancholic or maybe even dull.

What has the war done to her?

Ignorance is bliss, but only if you _can _feign innocence.

Something which she could attest to wholeheartedly.

Blood pooled around her. Pitter patter, it said. Her hands dropped Sakanade abruptly as her limbs fell limply to her sides, a loud splash tearing the silence bidden asunder. After a moment, she clenched her hand to the broken sword, the other grasping the (_cold cold cold_) hands of her lover.

And without warning, black danced with her consciousness, pulling her into the mercy of blissful oblivion.

* * *

Ichigo could hear a cacophony of voices.

They all seem familiar but she couldn't quite place her hands on it…

Familiar? What happened…?

She was assaulted by curiosity and she found herself lost further down into the endless darkness she could _feel._

_WhathappenedIneedtoknowdamndamndamn_

She always has this instinct, that feeling over her that she needs to..to…to-

Protect?

Yes. That's right. Protect.

The words felt hollow and empty into her mouth but how could that be? She loved that word. It is part of the meaning of her name.

Protect.

_Protect._

She screamed.

She _remembers _\- everyone, everything, all of what had occurred in so much clarity. The faces haunted by death, blood, loss, rage, anger, so much inundating emotions, flagrant screams, and finally retribution and sacrifice.

She gasps and the darkness burst in colors.

Kurosaki Ichigo woke up and the first thing she saw was the clear blue sky. She felt gravel and soil beneath her and not the barren rubble that is Soul Society. She felt clean air unlike the atmosphere that smelt of ash and blood and _death. _She felt _safe. _Because you didn't know anymore when you are in a battlefield where the only thing that matters is victory and survival against those thirty-seventy percent odds placed before you.

_'__This must be heaven…'_

Is what she would've thought. But heaven is nirvana. It is a place where you are happy.

Happy?

The irony. She must've been the epitome of the antithesis of that word.

It's over. She is alone. This is an illusion.

She could augment it by the cold hand that she never ever released.

His eyes were still wide, she mused. Shinji had gone through _so much_ and she barely had a _taste of it_…maybe…maybe it was _kinder_ and more justified for her to let go. After all, she didn't plan to live that much longer.

Tears never touched her until a few moments ago and she doubt she'll do it again. Wordlessly, she laid Shinji into the ground before her and closed his eyes. Sooner or later, he'll dissolve into particles and she will once again truly feel that she is a real _monster. _So alone.

Ichigo hates it.

"Ah…I still want to tell more stories to you, but I guess you can't hear me. It's fine though. I remember that one night, ya know…with the war again, probably the fifth year? You told me you also hated being alone…Are you happy? I ended it…it's over…You don't have to fight anymore…I managed to protect everyone's dreams. Will you be proud of me? I wish…I wish we were normal. I was never one for sappy lines, wasn't I? Ah…it's so lonely…"

So many words. So many confessions.

All without a single voice that replies and listen.

She wanted to scream. She felt hot but at the same time cold. Left is right and right is left. The thunders roaring in her mind are now mere whispers and the murmurs crossed the boundary of loud. She felt…_despair._

It's futile but she couldn't censor nor stop the words that she so _desperately _wanted to say. So much more…they could have shared so much more and learned more together. They could've been happy… they could have been more…

But that option was long obliterated into oblivion.

And as usual, because Kurosaki Ichigo always moves forward, she will accept it again.

Pain staggered into her heart.

She smiled ruefully as she unsheathes Zangetsu. Shouts and pleas and murmurs of _stopstopstopstop _rang and reverberated in her mind but she has already come forth into a decision.

"You remember that promise? Before we went into frontal assault? I promised you that I will end that bloodshed and- a-and then you-you promised me as well. You-you said that we can settle down and stop fighting..." She rotated the blade, the tip pointing over her heart, hovering as it slowly convulses.

"But that can't be. Never in the first place."

Then abruptly, it started to shake due to the sheer power of her zanpakutou that wishes for her to live.

The war had changed her but that's just fine because in the end she protected their dreams and now, she'll protect herself from the remorse and the pain of being alone.

After all…a dead woman can't feel.

The trembles were horrible. She is shaking. Ichigo hopes it is fear. For once, she wanted to feel human and not a God-Slaying Machine. Killing had then felt natural to her, just second nature, almost habit, and she is utterly _disgusted_ at herself.

Ichigo started to laugh, chuckles at first then grew to a hysterical and maniacal sound that she never knew she can. "I want to die but I don't…I..I..- I'm so scared...I feel like my chest is about to- to burst but- but I still want this anyway."

_I just wanted to see you…_ She just wanted to be able to see his smiles, to hear his laugh and to feel his presence.

"I will tore my heart so…I'll meet you now right? I hope Hiyori wouldn't kill me for this. Kisuke would give me that look again whenever I do something reckless. Lisa will probably smash my head and Kensei would curse me to oblivion. Rose and Love will reprimand me for a good three hours and Hachi will more or less ground me in that kido barrier of his and…and you? You'll probably laugh at me, but then again we're a few screws loose."

With one last scream (hoarse as blood sprayed from her other wound), she drove the sword into her heart.

She felt immense pain but that was expected. She coughed blood but she smiled, grinned even. Insanity at its finest. It hurts. It hurts so _so_ much. It felt as if she had cleaved her soul in half then combusted it. But the emotional side hurts more.

It hurts so much because she couldn't stop herself.

She left Zangetsu and Shiro alone. It hurts because she realized that things would have been different. If only **she tried**. If only she isn't this _cynical._

**_"_****_The end eh queen? Did this hafta happen ta us?" _**She could hear Shiro sigh, something akin to relief, hurt and understanding rolled up in his voice. **_"Hmmm…I am ya and I understand…rest queen…We'll meet again. I just hope we didn't hafta part 'tis way."_**

_"__Ichigo…even though I had caused you pain, you accepted me so now, and I'll accept this just once…I shall support your decisions. Farewell, my friend…" _Zangestu's voice or Juhabach really, resounded and she murmured an apology and a thank you for his constant help and advices.

This is the end huh? Never in her life had she foresaw herself dying this way. There's a first time for everything hahaha.

Good side was it never truly mattered since she is alone. Everyone is dead. A universal fact.

Since when was she this morbid? Since when had she been so fucking cynical? Cathartic? Agnostic?

Even as the blade that went through thick and thin with her is stuck in her heart, she managed to get into a seiza position, just in front of Shinji. She stumbled but regained her bearings in a pathetic step.

Ichigo observed him, might as well do so because it might be the last time. She observes his face, the features that looked so calm as if he is just in a blissful sleep. There was blood but that all the more made his picture beautiful and entrancing but at the same time so foolish.

Both an act of bravery and stupidness.

Her eyes widened as the true implication of her actions settled in.

Ichigo uttered a gasp and she fell back on her knees.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry…I didn't want this…I'm sorry…don't let me go! I-I d-do-don't- I just- I-I just wanted to be happy!" Despair raged in her heart. Words not spoken fading into silence. She doesn't want to die but at the same time she does. Her life is meaningless.

_WhywhywhywhyIdidn'twanttobethiswaysomeonesomeonepleasesavemeIdon't wantthis_

She feels so lightheaded and everything spun before her. She could hear the splash on the puddle of blood as her hand dropped to her side. She could feel the sticky feeling of it and she could see that everything is mere blotches and black spots.

She wished-

She wished she could have lived.

She smiled. "I can only imagine it…the perfect wor-" She spat out metallic blood. "The perfect world…i-it-it must have-it must have been- been so…so…so perfect…right?" Blood trickled down her chin and into the white captain robes of Shinji.

She couldn't stop the teardrop that fell unexpectedly from her crimson eye.

Black again.

* * *

The girl had done it.

The _woman _committed suicide in front of their very eyes.

Shinji couldn't believe it. Kisuke had done it again. Somehow that shitass invention of his _worked._

This woman appeared before them in a swirl of pure black with _his _Sakanade.

But _no_, that ain't the _worse._ It was the body that went along her.

It was _him._

He slanted a glance at his comrades and found them staring at the scene with expressions ranging from curiosity to horror then to worry. Even Hiyori dare not utter a word.

The future? Never in his entire life had he saw a person so fucking broken. Was that corpse (the word tasted bitter in his mouth) really him? What was he to that woman for her to _do _such a thing?

So many questions littered in his mind but for now…

Tessai and Hachi immediately moved towards the woman, trying to find out whether or not the woman can be saved. Kisuke's face is shadowed but in the past years since his exile that he had known the mad scientist, Kisuke is _shocked. _Guilty maybe but there was only as far as he could read from his shadowed eyes.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance and watched as they remove the sword impaling the woman in a painstakingly slow manner then proceeded to pour in as much healing kido they could.

"What the fuck is going on!?" Hiyori had never been so lost. She saw baldy's corpse but what the hell? Is that how the future worked for them? She was not dense, a little dull but certainly not dense. The woman's words had sounded so…so-

So painful.

She couldn't even stop the wince when she heard the noise when the woman impaled herself with that sword.

She wanted to somehow help and stop the woman but her legs can't move. They _won't _move. Even her mouth had stopped working.

She received no answer because everyone was too shell-shocked as well.

More so because they were powerless in stopping the woman and they were former _captains _for fuck's sake. Technically, the woman will provide some amount of information and not so technically, it was just plain _wrong._

What had she gone through? What was it that made her painting so _so_ very melancholic? Her eyes were like the Captain Commander's – old, sad, and broken. It was as if the only thing tying her down was that morphological body.

The enigmatic woman's reiatsu was barely there, pulsating in an erratic manner and flashing into intervals.

The words. Don't even get her started with the words. She spoke of war, spoke of death and loss, memories and promises she had all remembered. Spoke of names – _their __**names. **_She spoke of hardships and the dreams she wanted to but cannot…it was painful and agonizing to watch.

Maybe…maybe it was better this way. Maybe it's better to finally let her rest. Shinji's _corpse _was still there, scaring the shit outta her frankly speaking. Short hair and all. The captain's haori…it didn't take her two and two to piece them together. So they were allowed? Their verdict drawn back? Or maybe they just got everything all wrong.

She inhaled sharply and turned together with the Visoreds towards the living room.

So many questions….no answer echoed back.

* * *

"A second chance…?" She stared blankly at Kisuke, eyes wide yet impassive.

And then she laughed. Unmitigated. Insane. Hurt. Mirthless. Painful. Nothing. Hysterical.

A second chance they say…but all she could see is more pain. Further ahead is hopelessness. She couldn't see the end of the tunnel.

"….So foolish…My soul could only take so much more…Do you know how painful it is to see you? You were my brother, the elder figure in my life. The Visoreds were the family I lost. It's so _so _painful…I wanted to die but I _can't_…I'm sick of this…Don't you understand…?" Why was she even saying all of these things to them? But they all looked familiar. Same memories. Same faces. Same people.

_Same._

**_Similar._**

But not 'them'.

"I'm sorry…"

"…What?"

Ichigo's eyes widened until they were mere dots. Simulations had not expected this so why…? They don't know the truth so why is it that Kisuke of all people would say sorry…?

"I'm sorry for bringing you in this timeline. Certainly, death is a much better option for you." Kisuke tipped his hat forward, just like _hers _do whenever he feels guilty and is at lost of what to say and do.

A soft smile played on her lips. "How typical of you…" She offered a clipped tone, as if reminiscing something painful.

Seeing her, _hearing _her, maybe she is.

Ichigo sighed, accepting the brunt of it all, "Fine. I have nothing else left Kisuke, I know you understand that by now and… This is at least a decade in the past. The Quincies would at least stay put for at least a century and- and my father could still meet my mother and the Hogyouku will - and Aizen is nowhere near powerful enough to eviscerate the world and –" She halted, fearing on choking on her words.

But Kisuke would always understand.

And that's why it has always been easy to be with him, even if his eyes are always blind to pain, only being able to see what is it that is rational to solve the problem, the very same fact is what made him comfortable to be with.

Kisuke tipped his hat forward and an enigmatic smile twitched alive on his lips. "Saa…shall we begin preparing?"

…and Kurosaki Ichigo had changed the course of history.

* * *

**END**

**Please write a review if you have the time to do so.**


End file.
